Outcomes

Day 17/90

I have had this realization that I “don’t care” about any outcome recently. If I’m being honest, the term “don’t care” is kind of a gross misrepresentation of what the actual feeling is. I just am unsure of how to state it in a straightforward way.

I have no attachment to the outcomes. No really specific vision of what I feel the ending needs to look like. I don’t see one way as the right way and the other as the wrong way. I am not trying to control any situation. I don’t want to manipulate any end result.

I don’t need the world or God or the Universe to make me any specific promises. I don’t need to make sure that everything goes the way I think it should go, or looks the way I think it should look. I don’t need that kind of reassurance.

I’ve been living in the Unknowns.

I’ve been operating out of pure trust.

I’ve been practicing what I think is considered surrender.

I could not tell you when I got here. Or how exactly it happened. But I know for a fact that it probably started the day I decided to take my spirituality seriously. The day I stopped trying to hide that part of me from the world. The day I stepped up and owned it - regardless of what anyone thinks or how anyone perceives it. And it’s been a long and winding journey since then, but I have made it to this point now.

When I say “practicing”, I definitely mean it. It’s a work in progress and I think it always will be. New situations challenge us in new ways and the whole concept of surrender will deepen and evolve.

And I still find myself with ruffled feathers and a personal vendetta against an outcome at times. Just today even. A “best friend” of mine shared some news that wasn’t hers to share, with people that most certainly were not in the need to know. And I got upset for a time, but maybe I had a preference in my head that this wouldn’t have happened this way. So, the fact that it went differently than that preference was frustrating, yes, but ultimately sending her a sternly worded message doesn’t change any outcome.

What I think is really funny, is that I feel it is harder to surrender in these smaller moments than it is to surrender for larger outcomes. For example, the pervious situation is one that is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and I felt resistance to how it played out. But then, when it comes to building my business, I just trust it will happen the way it needs to. Something that is pretty big to me in the grand scheme, but easier to say “bring it to me how you think it should look”.

And it is all based on my belief of God and the Universe (that’s who I’m talking to there).

My original idea of what the focus of this email would be was the feeling of surrender. But I know the email is what it should be, so maybe we’ll get there tomorrow. Who really knows.

Warmly,

Meg

Peaceful Heretic