Updates From Early Motherhood
February 24th
The Undoing Before the Great Becoming
The topic I wrote on last was endings and conflicting feelings. In this email, I mentioned how I was approaching the end of my maidenhood as I prepared to birth my first child.
I wrote:
The end of my maidenhood is highlighting how I will never be this version of myself again. And I’ve known and shed many versions of myself, but those transformations are made of a different substance than this one will be. It feels deeper, more whole, and far beyond anything I can fathom right now.
And I absolutely could not fathom what this transformation has been for me.
I feel broken. Lost. Like I don’t exist anymore.
I feel like I have no idea who I am. Like none of who I had been is inside me still.
I am not Meg.
I am no one.
I almost wrote “no transformation I faced in the past has ever felt this hard”. But, as I had the thought, I got a flashback to my first major transformation.
The first time I broke down my walls and looked inwards. The first time I did major healing work.
I was a loose cannon.
I realized that I had no idea who I was all those years before. I was processing years of pain and suffering. I was facing harsh truths about myself. I was a mess.
But, as it goes - things always get messier before they get better.
The undoing before the great becoming.
When I finally put the pieces back together, only after could I see what the purpose of it all was.
I had become a more confident version of myself. More sure of who I was. More rooted in my own beliefs. It was the first time I was living my life as Meg.
So, I guess this is what I’m remembering as I write this:
Transformations always feel worse before they feel better. There is a period of undoing, BEFORE the new you can come together. But once you reach that new you, all that you gain far outweighs the challenge of falling apart.
Every. Single. Time.
So, I’m writing this in the thick of it all. I’m still in the void. The in-between.
I have surrendered to the unbecoming. I have let myself fall apart in this space.
But I have yet to come out on the other side. I have yet to meet the new version of myself.
My most challenging transformations have brought me the best versions of myself, so I trust this one is no different.
When I feel I’ve made it to the other side, I’ll let you know.
Warmly,
Meg
Peaceful Heretic
March 21st
I’m still in the mists of this great transformation, but I’ve defined a few details of it.
First, I much prefer the term metamorphosis. It better encompasses the manner in which I’ve grown through this time.
Second, the term for this transition in one’s life is: Matrescence. It describes the psychological, emotional, physical, and social shifts that occur when becoming a mother.
Kinda like when you hit puberty, but much more taboo of an identity shift. I had never heard this term, and in my experience, I have never heard other mothers talk about it before.
Now I’m going to explain why I like to call it a metamorphosis instead of a transformation.
Typically when we hear metamorphosis, we think of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. The key here is the in-between part, when they form the chrysalis.
Inside the chrysalis, they essentially become soup.
And that’s the part that I love!
It perfectly captures how this stage of motherhood has felt.
I’m the soup version of myself. All the details are here, somewhere. It looks different. And it feels different. But the essence is the same!
So, I’m in the primordial soup stage of motherhood. This thought has been oddly comforting. I think that’s because it’s an explanation for me feeling so undefined still. And there’s an essence of hope and excitement in it.
The flow is: caterpillar - soup in chrysalis - butterfly.
I’m in soup mode, the next step is butterfly.
I’m not sure when it’ll happen, or how it’ll look, but it’s the butterfly stage. So, odds are it’s going to be a good one.
Warmly,
Meg
Peaceful Heretic
