How to Reclaim Your Power After Birth: The Moment I Knew I Was Coming Back to Myself
… and the surprisingly meaningful moment I plucked my eyebrows again
I didn’t expect the hardest part of motherhood to be not recognizing who I was.
You go through this great transition, find your footing, and start running. A clear before and after.
It seems simple enough, right?
I’ve realized that my assumption was completely wrong. Matrescence is far more complex than that.
There are layers to it. And it can take years.
After giving birth, your body experiences a myriad of shifts and changes. From physical, to hormonal, all the way to neurological levels - you’re a changed being during this process. You as you knew yourself has been taken apart, shaken up, and had parts switched out. Then, all jumbled still, you’re put out into the world.
And let me tell you, there is nothing quite like it.
You not only have the responsibility of keeping a whole tiny human that is completely reliant on you alive, but you’re expected to do it while feeling like you have no identity.
The way you think of yourself is different. The way you feel about yourself is different. The things you think about constantly have changed. The things you worry about have multiplied. The way you relate to yourself is foreign. The way you relate to others also feels foreign.
Nobody told you it would feel like this. Certainly no one else has spoken about it this way. Maybe you’re the only one who feels this way about early motherhood? Maybe you’re just thinking about it the wrong way?
I had no idea it would feel like this.
And I don’t even know if reading this will help you understand the way it really feels because finding the right words is a challenge. And maybe that’s why I didn’t know it would feel this way. Maybe all mothers have an equally as hard time finding the right words to describe the way this feels.
Mind you, I’ve only been a mother for four months. And in books I’ve read, they speak about feeling this way for years into their journey of Matrescence.
The bottom line is: it’s supposed to feel like this. It’s okay to feel like this. And, it’s the ultimate reminder that there is no rushing this journey. All good things take their time.
What I’ve come to realize is this: it’s about putting yourself together again, piece by piece. Not all at once. Not perfectly. Just small, meaningful steps back to myself.
And I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but these are the pieces I started with.
Washing my hair for the first time after birth - I waited a month. Judge if you’d like, but when you’re in survival mode with a newborn, greasy hair is the least of your worries. Washing it was the first step I took out of that survival state.
Starting to journal again - writing has always been a main outlet for me, but I just didn’t prioritize the time for it right after birth. Starting to write helped me begin to check in with myself again. It gave me a few moments to go inwards.
Moving my body - I’ve always been very active so this was a big one for me. Walks, yoga, weightlifting. With a newborn my schedule is not easily planned and I can’t spend nearly as much time as I could before. But something, any kind of movement - even if it’s just 5 minutes.
Working on my business - I didn’t do more than think about it for three months. And when I did start, I did not hit the ground running. It has been slow, and small steps. But progress is progress. And all the tiny things add up.
And today I hit piece number five.
Plucking my eyebrows.
I haven’t touched them since before I gave birth. Again, it’s one of those details that don’t mean much when you’re first navigating life with a baby. But, today felt like the right time. For me, they’re tied into my confidence and sense of self. I feel sharp, forward, and put together when they’re nicely plucked.
And I was finally ready to feel that again.
It’s a small thing. But it didn’t feel small. It felt like choosing to be seen again.
It’s the moment you snap out of the trance. The moment you come to and put together your surroundings. The moment you’re ready to take action.
It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen all at once. It is the result of putting together all the pieces. From taking the time to see how it all fits together in this new you.
It’s the joy of rediscovering yourself in this new world.
That’s the journey of Matrescence.
If you’re in this in-between space, where you don’t fully recognize yourself yet, you’re not lost. You’re in the process of becoming. And you don’t have to navigate that alone.
Warmly,
Meg
Peaceful Heretic
